Aree

KANCHANABURI, THAILAND

My mother refuses to acknowledge that I was becoming blind…

Can you tell me a little about your relationship with your mother?

My relationship with my mom wasn’t good from the beginning you know. I felt I was not heard as a child. I felt this woman could not be my mother. I expected more from the word “mother”. She never hugged me, she never said I love you. She never showed the kind of love you would see from other mothers. And I felt I was misplaced. My real mom must have been somewhere else. So it was never good, it’s never been good from the day I was born until the day I was forty years old.

How has it evolved over time?

Hehe. Because when you were young you know, you look at other people, you compare all the time. When you thought you would have a mom who would hug you, kiss you on your cheeks, and say you’re a beautiful little girl - I never got that. What I got was more like, “you’re not perfect”, “you’re a problem child”, like it was so hard to deal with me all the time and I was problematic every single day. And I would have tears every day. Also my dad was a career soldier but stationed elsewhere. All I could do was to write and keep a journal and wonder “where was my real mom?” and I would never share that with anyone and I hid that diary underneath my bed. And of course one day she found the diary. Haha. Oh…It didn’t go well the conversation, she was very upset.

I felt very lonely because I wanted my mom to like me. But I kept that heartache for a long time. Especially Mother’s Day when people would talk about their love for their mothers, buying flowers for their mother, I just couldn’t do that. I felt she didn’t deserve to have flowers because of everything she put me through. The worst one was well…I did not like certain kinds of greens. Broccoli was okay, but some Chinese vegetables, they’re really stinky, I really didn’t like it, and I still don’t like it til this day. But instead of giving me the opportunity to try something else or let me eat something I actually enjoyed, she forced me to eat the kinds I hate. And when I refused what she did, that stuck with me for a really long time, she took off my clothes, I was 9 years old, and she made me wear only underwear and she made me stand outside the gate at the intersection where all the cars pass by. All the friends and people laughed at me while I was standing there naked just in my underwear, even though I was not developed, as a young girl, I was still a child, having your own mother putting you there and you cry and you just want to be taken in the house and be safe and not humiliated because you just didn’t want to eat the smelly vegetables, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

After that age, I was 9, I could not forgive her for what she did. And I still remember the laughter of people passing by. It felt so painful, you know. No one could help me, they were just laughing. And I decided not to have a close relationship with my mom.

When I was 16, my dad was given a promotion and he asked me if I wanted to be with the family or if I wanted to be alone in my hometown. So I decided to be alone with my dog and be far, far away from my mom. It’s a painful experience seeing other people’s mothers and when they invited me over for dinner and they were so lovely, I just wished my mother was that way too. And then sigh. One day, through the news, of people losing their mother, one particular friend of mine who lost his mom during covid and he didn’t get to say goodbye to his mother because she had to be in a zip lock bag and taken away for cremation on that day itself. I felt I…I should learn to love my mother or forgive her instead. I started to think of what would be the best way, for me, for her, and for us. So that actually came through during covid in 2020. 

So I forgave my mom for that. Maybe being humiliated was the kind of punishment she thought her children should go through. Maybe she was humiliated as a child too but I never asked her. I felt that whatever the pain I endured, I should not pass that on to anyone. 

How has your mother's cultural background influenced your relationship with her?

My mother and I actually have the same background haha. She’s the daughter of a career army man, and I’m one too. So it is a very conservative kind of upbringing where you have to be perfect all the time. You cannot show your emotions. You cannot cry in public, and this also suppressed her from showing love because she’s never been shown love, you know by my grandmother. I think she did not know how to show her love. 

But! When my brother was born, um, we are 8 years apart, so the time that she started to behave to me like a mean mother, haha like a witch, it was after my brother was born. And I could compare, she would kiss him and hug him, she would do the things I wish she would do with me, but I never experienced that throughout my childhood. But I see my brother was loved. And I wanted to kill my brother. I actually tried. But he survived. Pause. Laughter. I smothered him with a pillow! But someone caught me…haha. I was 8 and he was a few months old. That was the reason why she kept her eyes on me and never wanted me to be close to my brother, instead of teaching me how to love my brother. But now is not the time to criticise her, but I was witnessing the way she showed love to my little brother and I hated him. So my relationship with my mom and my little brother was very bad.

Can you describe any challenges or conflicts that you've experienced in your relationship with your mother? How did you overcome them?

Thinking of the fact that you have one life and you have the opportunity to mend it before you finish it. I don’t want to be 60 years old and thinking I should have loved my mom when she’s already gone. I thought she’s still healthy and alive, and there must be something we can work out together. And because one of my best friends lost his mom, at that time, my mom got Covid too. And I felt I had the opportunity to at least learn to love her. She’s a lovely person, haha I only know this from other people telling me. And I told them that I didn’t feel her love. It was sad, but I decided to dig deeper. I never called her and said I wanted to talk. But when I was 44, I called her, and said I wanted to talk about something that might be uncomfortable for her, and I wanted her to be honest with me. She was very good. She was direct and honest. And she admitted she wanted to get rid of me. She wanted to have an abortion. She admitted that because the pregnancy with me was sort of the end of the world for her as a 19 year old at that time. She was going to become a nurse, she was number one in her class, she had a dream, was supposed to be married to someone, and she was not in love with my dad. So they eloped, and there was a lot of stress, growing up in northern Thailand. Eloping was not an ideal thing. And being pregnant at 19, the whole village condemned her. And she decided to keep me. But she did continue to contemplate the thought of terminating the baby and having the abortion.

Little did she know, she had to go to hospital at…less than 7 months pregnant. And she felt the pain, she didn’t know why. The doctor said, ‘oh your baby is going to come out!’ and she said ‘but how come? It’s not even 7 months pregnant’ and the doctor said ‘I don’t know, but the baby is ready!’ I probably knew I wasn’t going to be saved. I wanted out. So I was a premie baby, but I was big, I was strong. After I was born, my other grandmother, from my dad, took me away, so I was not cared for by my own biological mom, I was cared for by my grandmother. I was re—introduced to my mom when I was going to kindergarten. So 3.5 years of my life I didn’t know who my mother was. I was sent to my mom and dad because my dad wanted me to be with the real family and go to the school near the army base. And I was introduced to this stranger who I had to call mom.

Haha. Ya because I was thinking ‘oh no…this is not going to be safe…this lady is contemplating suicide, I could feel like I’m so not safe…I wanted to be out!!! I was thinking…I don’t wanna be here!” haha and that is the reason why I had to press my mom for that, because I wanted honesty. I was born with a health condition which was very rare.

Only to be discovered when I was 8 years old. So this age was a very tough time for me, knowing that I have this degenerative disease called retinitis pigmentosa that’s passed from generation to generation. But my dad was a carrier, I’m a carrier and developer. So I have experienced low vision since the age of 8. And once my mother knew I had this condition, she didn’t know how to deal with me. She was in denial from then until now. She refuses to believe that I cannot see, or that I’m going blind.

How do you express love and affection towards your mother? 

I think death is something that has no mercy to anyone. I lost my dog. I lost some dear friends. And I feel I don’t want to have that regret of not being able to love my own mother. She gave birth to me. At least she let me live. And I just show gratitude. The attitude of gratitude is very important, to kind of set you up for your journey. It’s kind of a moral compass where you have that feeling of being so grateful and thankful to your parents because they gave you a head start. And somehow it may not start perfectly, but you can look into it, and see if there’s anything you could do. And I wanted to be happy, and feel lighter, I shouldn’t be holding on to this grudge of ‘my mom never loved me or liked me’. I believe she does love me. Even though she didn’t say so. I felt knowing all this news and stories of people losing their loved ones, I decided to have a serious talk with my mom. And found out when she admitted there was a point she was serious about getting rid of me. She looked at me as a failure, as a reminder of her mistake. Every time she sees my face it’s like “mistake, mistake…you know”. The problem child.

But I never caused any problem. I actually did many things that she’s proud of. She wanted me to be the little darling girl, do classical music, classical dance, whatever she wanted me to do, I did anyway, even though I didn’t like it. I became whatever she wanted me to become. And then I pursued what I wanted to do in life, and decided to look into whether there was something I could have done. And when she admitted that because of me, she could not finish her school, she could not have that dream of being someone with a university degree. So I said, how about, “Would you like to go to school, because I will send you to school?” She took a pause and said she likes that and would like to try it. So she became the oldest person in her class. And she did go to school and she studied economics. And she was number 1 in her class. She just finished a few weeks ago, she got her degree! And she’s really proud…I never had to say “ I sent you to school” we made a deal, she wanted to finish one of her dreams. I let her. And if she wanted to do extracurricular activities with her gang of youngster friends, she would text me and say she wanted to do with this field trip with her friends, and I would ask “how much do you need?” and I would say I can contribute some but not all – ask your husband or boyfriend for that! So she treated me like one of her girlfriends since then.

It sounds likes both of you are similar in some ways and not just you are proud of her, but she is proud of you. What are some things that she does to make you feel loved?

The truth, I want the truth. The truth is the beginning of everything. If she denied answering me, and didn’t tell the truth, I wouldn’t get to what was the problem ya. So I felt that was love. That she actually admitted that she once didn’t want me. But hey hello, I’m 48 now. Hahahaha.

So I feel like the truth, is the sign of love, she’s expressing that she cares, and she wants me to know. And she’s learning to be a better mom. She never remembered my favourite colour, continue to give me stuff I never liked. Now I laugh, I joke about it. And I will say, “Who are you…are you pretending that you are actually my mother or are you acting now, is it one of your drama courses? Or are you actually doing the mum thing? Like what is it now?” And she would laugh, “Ya you’re very funny”.

Cause that’s the best thing you can do - laugh about it. And put all the pain behind so I actually said it out loud that I forgave her and I asked her for forgiveness and I felt that was the way she showed that she cares and she loves me. And she would not remember anything, because I really locked her out, and not know my true feelings. I would be closer to my dad sending letters to him who was stationed in Laos. And.. with my own mum who lived in the same roof, I never talked to her. So the blame should not be on her, its on me too.

Can you share a funny memory or when you’ve laughed the most 

while interacting with your mother?

Okay. So she doesn’t know about this memory yet. She keeps “forgetting” that I’m visually impaired. Like really, really visually impaired. Even though my eyes look normal. So I wasn’t feeling well a few years ago, it was just the flu, not covid. And because I was working really hard, I was feeling low in energy, and doctors would recommend some supplements. And because I cannot read, like which one to take before or after meals, I would put all my medicine in a box. And I would ask my parents to put my after meals etc. and I remember she had with me a few meds after a meal. Later on I heard her whispering to my dad, because she forgot that I can hear through walls. I can hear far. And she was telling my dad, “Oh shoot! I gave Prae the wrong meds! That was meant for my dad who had a stroke, instead of vitamins”. So she gave me the kind of medication that would put me to sleep, like muscle relaxation, like things I never needed, and would knock me out, and she felt really badly! 

Like she was so worried asking “Will she die???” and I ate them anyway, I trusted her, because she’s my mother because I cannot read. I was dying, I laughed because I was not dying, but I was actually dying of laughter. I had to laugh really quietly because when I heard the conversation, she was so concerned that she was killing her baby! It was so funny! That is the kind of laughter that I have with my mom. Because she was actually concerned with my dying, it meant that she loved me! Hahaha. Since then, I’ve never let my mum fix my meds, I’d use the app “Be my eyes” and would totally go to an absolute stranger besides my mum.

Can you share any lessons or advice that you've learned from your relationship with your mother that you think could benefit others?

Forgiveness is something that we should practise. It’s not easy. But if you carry it with you, it’s like you’re carrying trash with you wherever you go haha. We like to live better, and live brighter, you should not carry trash with you. And I consider holding grudges, having that kind of anger over your parents who got you started in this life will help you to live, you would feel much better. It feels like you’ve lightened the load. And it’s a much better way to forgive and move on. It’s never too late to learn to love. And when you do that, you will understand what unconditional love means. It can be with your pets, loved ones, anyone. Once you are able to forgive, you are able to move on, and you have free mind space to do so many other things that would be more enlightening, uplifting, and more fun. But you don’t have to hold on to that feeling and doubting that love or your own ability to love our own parents it’s a waste of time. Learning to forgive and learning to love is the lesson that I got through this covid year. Because death is real, and I’ve seen it. It’s one of the best things I’ve got through covid year, that I’m able to see the love, that I was doubting myself or doubting my own mother. It’s just a different kind of love. And now that we learn to love one another, we have more giggles. And I don’t feel like she’s a mom mom traditional way mothers.  She’s now like my girlfriend. We can talk about or bitch about things, and we have so much laughter and I felt that I’m so lucky and fortunate to be able to see this. Even though I’m partly blind, I’m still able to see love, I’m able to feel it. I’m not sugar coating anything, but there’s no better way to love your own parents when they love you back.