Greta

BERLIN / BRANDENBURG, GERMANY

I’m the first born daughter and they grew up in this DDR regime in East Germany…

Can you tell me a little about your relationship with your mother?

I’m the first born daughter and I think for me I always felt I was kind of similar to my mum in many things, I think it was reinforced very early that we look very much alike. Already from very obvious factors, “oh you look exactly like your mum” until today, I recognise a lot of behaviours and traits that like “I’m really my mum's daughter. We take the same social roles I would say.

For example, my mum in a social situation where there’s many people and the day has to be organised, for example last weekend when we had the mama daughter story - my mother is very good at fast comprehending, who wants to do what, and kind of make it in a flow, and do all these invisible little things that makes the day flow without really asking what was her idea for the plan. At the same time, enjoying to curate, and sometimes maybe, not even realising what she would like to do actually. But in her case, she grew up in the DDR. So the east German side of the wall, that was I can tell very shaping for her culture and social identity.

Like under the DDR regime, politically how the state was built was much more about the community than about the individual. It was a less liberal less capitalistic society. I would say until today, like both my parents grew up under that regime, and until today I realise sometimes this is how I was differently brought up from the friends that grew up in west Germany. For example what I just described, I would always go for the group opinion and not be like, “no I don’t think so”. I do have some friends who do that, and by now, we can learn from each other. And sometimes I’m like “you’re so selfish” and sometimes I think like “wow you’re so impressive, that you can still know what you want even though there’s group pressure”.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that stereotypically and probably statistically, east German mothers were working, while west German mothers were not working or just part time. That influenced me already in the sense that I was 3 years old and already in a kindergarten or prekindergarten school. There was earlier integration in groups and not just mother attention. And there, I don’t know if its cultural or political influence, but when I had my first teenage crises, you know you kind of rebel against your parents and criticise a lot of things, I remember one of the first things I said to my mum is that, “You don’t make me feel special”. In the sense like, it’s more important for me to integrate, and most likely I’m average than likely to stand out. I do think in the “West”, they have a different culture and maybe a bit more capitalistic influence where it’s like, “you can do it, dadada you’re the best…” that it empowers people better in the capitalistic system and maybe in other systems I do see the value nowadays of thinking that ya.

Can you share a memory? 

It’s funny because just yesterday I watched a movie, ladybird, have you seen it? It's beautiful, for me, the most interesting dynamic for me was the relationship between the mum and the daughter and it had this roughness. And for me, one of the most outstanding memories with my mother, I was already quite old, I was 26 maybe, we were together in a spa, and I, also I had my first, my consciousness was growing, and spiritually I was growing and I wanted to understand our dynamic and blablabla and I tried to “deep talk” with my mum. My mum looked at me and said like “Greta did you ever just reflect on the fact how your father and me are? And now you are our daughter?” I don’t know she put it in a way that made me in that moment realise - fuck they are also for the first time in their life parents and I’m the first born daughter and they grew up in this DDR regime and then there comes this daughter who questions their lifestyle, who wants to travel the world that wants to study economics that wants to dadadada that goes to Berlin and for them, it’s just really overwhelming. Having that in mind, I think they did super well. And for me I think that moment was outstanding because the way she just said it so dry made me really for the first time flip and be like wow I never thought of that, it must be quite challenging for you to understand me.

Can you describe any challenges or conflicts that you've experienced in your relationship with your mother? How did you overcome them?

It’s almost like a running gag but my mum always calls me in the worst moments. When she calls me and instantly I pick up, I never stopped to think twice if this is the best moment for me and I pick up the phone and immediately without checking in how I’m doing or how much time I have - she just dumps all of her latest ideas. She very much included me on how to navigate family dynamics from an early stage ahahhaa. For example, now with your aunt we do this and this now and with your grandmother we do that.

Yeah I would say I feel often overwhelmed by my mum, in the sense that, yeah she’s sharing too much, too quickly, and she can be very hectic. I have a sister, a younger sister, and when we get home I realise that the more I also live in my own home, we come home…and then there is coffee, then we go for a walk, then we come back, and my mum asks if someone can help for dinner…and then we go for a walk with the dog…it’s like there’s always something to do and people don’t know how to chill. Haha there’s this constant little hectic group navigation and ummm like I think there’s not just 1 conflict I can think of but just an underlying dynamic that comes back and back again.

Maybe I have one interesting thing to share? 

Um for a long time, I was the only single person in my family. So it was my Oma – my grandmother and my grandfather, my mother and my father, my sister and her boyfriend, my aunt and my uncle…everybody was together and I was the only single. And that for me for some years really hard. Especially when I was around 30 and slowly everyone expects you to build family. And there I had the feeling that for example when I came home for Christmas where in my head it’s like I finally make it out of the city, out of the usual craziness and struggle, I go home - and I think okay safe space. But that safe space sometimes was not so consciously aware of other things. There was a lot of coupley dynamics and I tried a few times to express how much pressure there was. But I couldn’t just spend time with my sister because there was also her boyfriend. I don’t know. And that was for a few years, even though I tried to express it, it was not understood really well.

How would you say you overcame that?

I got a boyfriend. Ahaha.

I think that’s a bit of a joke but yes. I try to still explain to them nowadays, it’s not so long ago, I mean privilege is something that can hardly be felt, it’s something that maybe someone mirrors you maybe I don’t know. And I mean I’m a white European girl, I have most of most of what I know I am also mirrored in what I learned and also being single in a world full of couples is a very niche and not so painful experience but like the privilege or advantages that come with just being as a couple somewhere and all the confidence and safe space, and things like security, and I don’t know even small talk can go easier, like you always have something to talk about, like you live together or you go on holiday. And that I think I would say in the best sense it made me sensitive how subtle little privileges can be. And I would say that we learnt that together in some way. And now even more interesting, I have a boyfriend from Canada but with Indian roots. That’s also the first member of my family that brings a bit of diversity. And also for that was also forever very far away from my family especially in east Germany which is less diverse than other parts of Germany and now also like if I have children with him, the reflections around privilege and discrimination.

Has your family expressed their acceptance of him?

Ja, totally. I was thinking one last things about the conflict, I grew up also with my great grandmother and my parents’ parents and my sister in the same home. There’s so much compromise that you have to do all the time living like this together and I think you have to really learn how to navigate around conflict, somebody has to step back. And this was often my mother. With all the needs in the group and even in a family setting.

How did you view her in terms of this?

Mmmm I would say there are 2 sides of the same coin. On one part it has something very honourable, but at the same time, and now we can come to the mothers weekend - because there it was funny; she got sick on the second day. I’m totally convinced that she got sick because the day before, she was so busy still like helping my grandmother to peel the potatoes, and then buying some drinks, and then picking up the car, and dropping off something that she forgot to eat! And then in the evening we ate Asian food, with um miso paste, and I think the fermented food was not good for her, and I was then saying it’s because the whole day you were just revolving around everybody else and not eating! (*Greta exclaims in a higher pitched voice) This is why! And now you’re sick.

Ah ja, so the idea for the mum’s weekend…So I have one friend circle, 5 girls, we know each other for a long time. I would also say we are in a bubble, there is stimulation for conscious reflection, thinking about your ancestors, thinking about the future and different time dimensions. And um…hahaha. (*Greta glances at recorder) No, I can tell you but uh one year we did a reflection like an end of the year reflection and we might have taken some um… “helpers” that got us in a very emotional state. There was one moment where we were all sitting in front of a campfire and I don’t know what happened but 2 of us cried a lot, and 1 a little bit, and then it was just like quiet, and room for emotions. And we spoke afterwards and we said what did you actually cry about and later we realised all of us were either reflecting or even crying about our fathers. Because we realised how much of a broken relationship we have with our fathers. Like even though I have tensions with my mum I can express to my mum in much more creative ways that I care for her, but with my father…no. And then we were sharing about how our relationship was with our father and then we got to our mothers. We were like ok no way we can have this open talk with our fathers but actually with our mothers…maybe? It seemed like the easier way to invite more conscious reflection about the relationship to the room and we were like *in a hushed excited voice*…

Since we were on a weekend away like with the 5 girls, we thought...should we do the same weekend away but with our mothers? And then the idea was born. And all the mothers agreed.

I think we were very careful in the way of framing it, like it was not gonna be a seminar or workshop week where you have to answer things you don't want to. We’re gonna keep it super casual, and by the little bit of design we put into preparation we said that every mother daughter couple can prepare 1 little offering for the rest of the group. My mum brought some ceramics so we could do some of that. Another mother brought some painting books and colours, and we were colouring. One did a meditation, and because the other ones prepared it, it was more accepted, everyone respected that someone prepared something.

I think it’s also just an honest reflection I think we did miss one possibility of more conscious communications. Umm I know for myself on Saturday my mum was sick the whole day so for me there was a crazy moment because in the beginning I was angry at her to be honest because I knew that she didn’t eat. And because I know myself and I know that I don’t eat when I’m a little bit nervous or hectic. To just stop and take care of the most existential thing like my own nutrition and I could see it in her like you are a 50 year old woman or even older and now you’re missing food the whole day and she got worse and worse and then I really started to worry. And I remember also lying next to her, and she was really pale, and thinking like she has to vomit again and I thought like fuck I worry so much about my mum now imagine how much you have to worry if you have a child. Like at least she’s my mum and she can say uhu its gonna be fine it’s just the miso (thumbs up action) ahaha but I thought man if u have a 4 years old child that can’t even express what’s wrong man…that must be hard.

I think she knows I wanna be a mum so its not like a touchy topic oder so. I know she’s very looking forward to be a grandmother. Yeah I can and would say again just imaging myself, I think my mum was in some sense very busy, exhausted, emotionally shaken up by being a mum that sometimes I imagine being a grandmother you can kind of a little bit have the same experience but with more lightness hahahaha because of less responsibility.

Tell me about the project you had and your reflections on it.

Hmmm yeah. Once my mum lent me a book and I was reading half of the book, and we were on the phone and I told my mum: "Mum, about the book... I really don’t get into it. I don’t know, I don’t really like it." And she said, "No no no it will get better you have to read it to the end”. I read it to the end, I didn’t like it and next time I saw her I gave her back the book and said “I really don’t think that was a good book”. Then she looked at me and said “Yeah I didn’t think so either, but the last book you gave me was also shit.”

Hahahahaha. Somehow In those moments, I look at my mum and can’t believe her. I feel she really meets me on eye level in many ways. In this like not touching me with gloves she is my mum but she often treats me as a friend and I think that is very healthy. She was 25 when she had me.

Oh yeah sometimes when I’m on the phone with her, I was like, “Yeah you don’t have to worry…” And she’s like “Greta, I don’t worry about you. You must think that parents always worry about their children. But the truth is, they don’t”. Hahaha. And I really appreciate that. That honesty.

Can you share any lessons or advice that you've learned from your relationship with your mother that you think could benefit others?

I think that maybe as long as it’s funny sometimes. That’s a good benchmark for knowing it’s a healthy relationship. Yeah maybe it’s a little bit a summary of the jokes I said on meeting each other on eye level and the realization that your mum is really first time a mum in her life. This taking mistakes in parenthood not so personal. I’m realizing that’s also they are parents growing up. And this is the first time children being teenagers, now it’s the first time they move out, now it’s the first time they get kicked out of university, now they have a serious partner and move in together.

How do you express love and affection towards your mother? 

I tried a few times to express my love with words and it’s really not the love language for my parents…I think I awkwarded them out. hahaha “It’s like oh my little emotional child”.

How did you learn that if you didn’t grow up with that?

Yes, friends, and our generation in general, gives more space for emotional reflections and so on. Feelings. Um specifically with my mother… it’s presents I would say. For example, on the mothers weekend, we were talking about a book, and I just ordered her the book and it arrived before the weekend, and she was reading it all the weekend. This hat for example is my mum’s hat, every time I was home, I would borrow it from her, and then at the end, it was just on top of my clothes when I left. This generosity, I would say we express love via sharing and generosity. In some sense, either material or…haha I guess it is material!